March 7 // Parenting + Growth // Noticing Your Child's Efforts, Kid of the Week, Doodled Rewards, and More!
Today we share some tips for encouraging your kids and helping them feel seen. (There are a couple silly ideas, too.)
Hello! This month, we are focusing on Attentiveness, so today let’s talk about noticing—and applauding—your kids’ efforts!
Believing Your Words Matter
Time for a little self-therapy session:
What are some encouraging things someone told you when you were a kid that still mean a lot to you today?
What are some discouraging things someone told you where you were a kid that hurt you for a long time?
What are some things someone never told you as a kid, the absence of which has affected you?
Thinking through these things is a reminder that your words (and even the absence of them) carry a lot of weight.
This is a sobering but wonderful privilege. You get to put strong wind in the sails of the people you love most. You get to pave the runway and help your kids fly.
“You’re So Smart” vs. “You’re Working So Hard!”
Keep this in mind when encouraging your kids: praise effort more than talent and character more than physical features.
When you say “Wow, you’re really good at solving puzzles! You’re so smart!” your child will feel special and affirmed, yes, and there’s a ton of value in noticing your child’s raw talent and helping them develop it! But if we mostly emphasize what comes naturally to our kids, they might despair and give up when they encounter things that are much harder for them, like math homework: “I’m not good at this. I’m just not smart enough.”
Alternative: “Wow, look at how much perseverance you’re showing with that puzzle! You’re working so hard on this!” Your child will feel encouraged not because they’re endowed with some magical gift for puzzles, but because they made a great effort. Later on when they’re struggling in math, you can remind them, “I know that you can do hard things. Let’s keep trying.”
The same goes for physical beauty. Yes, there’s much value in bringing attention to your daughter’s beautiful eyes or your son’s cool style. But since physical beauty is subjective, not something we can control, and it doesn’t last forever, it’s really not something we need to emphasize the most. (If a little girl is known for her gorgeous blond hair, what happens to her sense of identity when it darkens to brown?)
Instead, we can say things like, “Oh, Zoe, that was so beautiful how you made friends with that girl at the playground. Did you learn her name?” “Ben, I noticed that you put Abby’s plate in the dishwasher when she forgot. That was very kind and thoughtful of you.” “Ellie, thank you for being honest about what happened. That was very brave of you to tell the truth.”
Parenting Hack: Kid of the Week
This might not work in all families—especially if you are raising an only child—but it’s been a huge success in ours and others. (3-7 kids seems to be the ideal family size for this particular idea.)
Basically, you give your family its own take on employee of the month and you select a kid of the week. Throughout the week, you look for helpfulness, academic effort, peacemaking, etc. and at the end of the week you gather everyone around to applaud the kid who really exemplified the family’s team spirit.
Here’s the type of thing we say in our family, while everyone’s holding their breath in suspense:
“This week’s Kid of the Week was extra helpful when I was sick on Tuesday. This person kept an eye out for their younger siblings and read stories even when I didn’t ask them to. I also noticed that this person ate all their asparagus without complaining, even though asparagus isn’t their favorite. And this person showed excellence in their schoolwork this week! This week’s Kid of the Week is…Hazel!” (Wild applause.)
You can use your last name as the title: “Johnson of the Week”, “Wright of the Month,” etc.
Ideally, your kids will earn it roughly on rotation, but there’s flexibility…sometimes a kid will win twice in a row, sometimes a kid will go quite a stretch without winning. Sometimes multiple kids win, sometimes no one wins. (One week, all the kids in our family had grumpy attitudes, so we awarded the prize to our basil plant. The kids thought it was hilarious. See the bottom of this email.)
Some example privileges that the Kid of the Week earns: the biggest portion of dessert, tie-breaker (gets more influence in choosing music, movies, etc.), their picture on the fridge (see below), and one stay-up-an-extra-30-minutes-with-Mommy-or-Daddy night. (Stay-up-late nights are the biggest prize.)
During a child’s birthday week, they are the honorary Kid of the Week no matter how they acted the week before. Occasionally you might want to show grace and award this honor to the child who had the worst behavior, saying something like, “This week’s Kid of the Week had a lot of struggles, but because we love them so much no matter how they behave, they get to be this week’s Kid of the Week and enjoy all the privileges.”
If it’s not working well for your family, don’t do it! Or try again in a different season of life. This is just an idea.
We made an editable Canva template for you here to put your own kid’s pictures and names on it. Save it as a .png and order the 8x10 photo from CVS or wherever you print your photos.
Or just download the .png below, print it out, and tape your child’s photo to it. (A 4x6 should fit in the frame.)
Parenting Hack: Doodled Rewards
This idea is quite silly, but it’s been very popular in our family. Once a week or so, when your kids show you their grades on a quiz, report card, etc., you can say “Ah, okay, handwriting isn’t your favorite subject, but I can tell you worked pretty hard on this…please hand me my pen and I will give you your rewards.”
Next to the grade, doodle some pretend prizes. It takes two minutes and costs $0 or calories, but it’s a sweet and fun way to talk to your kids about their schoolwork and how they feel about it.
“For this 96, you get a pet bunny. See how big he’s smiling? He’s wearing a cute hat, too. I’ll also give you a trip—by train—to a mountain lodge in Colorado. I’ll also give you a slice of raspberry cheesecake…with extra drizzle.”
You have to really gauge the situation and not discourage your kids or make them feel like they should do poorly just to get funny rewards, but we’ve had big giggles over a time when a child didn’t do their best and got a C.
“Hmm. This isn’t your best work. See those H’s that didn’t even get close to the line? So here are your prizes…you get a ping-pong table! …It’s a little uneven, though. You also get a big ice cream sundae, but it’s been sitting out for an hour. And yes, you earned a trip to Hawaii! The only thing is, the flight was expensive so you have to take a rowboat on the way back.”
This is actually important because it shows that you notice their potential, and you noticed that they were selling themselves short. Why did they not do so great on this homework? Is it understimulating? Is their homework environment distracting? Do they need more time or a different approach to grasp the concept? etc.
From Our Hearts
May you heal from the hurts of words said (or unsaid) in your own childhood.
May you pay more attention than ever to the encouragement and correction that your children need.
May you affirm them with their future sense of identity in mind.
May you find silly ways to show your kids that you seriously notice their efforts and struggles.
May you help your kids feel seen and known.
May your kids be teachable and receive your guidance with thankful hearts.
We’re praying these things for you!
Warmly,
Hope and the Family Scripts Team
Thank you so much for your support!
And, as promised, you know it’s been a bad week for attitudes in our household when you see this on the fridge:
😜 Have a great week, friends!
Love the basil plant winner!
I laughed out loud at the basil plant at the end!😆