Helping Kids With Big Feelings

noticing needs and proactively meeting them

Hello! This week we’ve been talking a lot about noticing and paying attention. Maya and Inuit cultures seem to pair silence with action instead of just arguing constantly like many of us do in our own families. It’s very possible to weary our kids with words, even if they’re very wise words; there’s only so much a person can process, especially when emotions are high.

So I want to share some ways you might be able to love your child when they’re struggling. It’s possible that the best way to love them is to ignore them until they calm themselves down. Or maybe their hearts could use a little bit of guidance—or least a hug—to remember that they’re loved and safe.

I’m grateful to have five kids who are all very different because I’m learning that different people have different needs. I hope these ideas can help meet your kids where they are and call them out of their little funks. Pretty much all of these ideas work for adults, too 😉

Side-by-Side Activities

Making eye contact with someone while telling them what’s going on in your heart can be really intimidating. It’s incredible how much easier it is to open up when you don’t have to look at a person! Consider going on a walk, giving yourselves manicures, building LEGOs, or working on a craft (like a Paint-by-Number or Kiwi crate!) Washing dishes together or riding in the car with no music on can also be a great time to open up. No agenda or discussion starters. Just make yourself available and see what happens. Silence has great power.

A Back-and-Forth Journal

If your child seems to be bursting at the seams with emotion but when you ask “what’s wrong?” they just give you a blank stare, you can ask them to write down their feelings in a special journal. It can be easier to share when you’re just writing out words. And maybe they want to hear back from you in written-down words! But the best part is that now you got to hear how they’re really doing.

Kids who can’t write yet might want to share their feelings by borrowing your phone and recording a video of themselves. (This is cute but can require patience if your kid loves being on-camera and they make you watch the whole video when they’re done 😛)

My daughter and I made a pretend back-and-forth entry as an example, but this is something we definitely use in real life that’s been a great way to connect with her when she has big feelings.

Snackrifice

Tik-Toker @MommaCusses came up with a really sweet concept: “snackrifice.” When her child is feeling overwhelmed, she brings a small tray of snacks, pours a fun drink, and silently lets her kid really know that Mom is there, she sees, and she cares.

Awe

Maybe your kid needs to go outside and see something bigger than them! I don’t think anyone goes to the Grand Canyon and says “I feel really stressed out.” We see big things like that because we want to be in awe; we want to feel like our problems aren’t as big as we’re making them out to be.

A Tight Hug (or weighted blanket)

Some kids—and adults—have a deep need in the heat of the moment just to be held. Temple Grandin observed that cows went through a squeezing machine that significantly calmed them, so she invented a “hug machine” of her own—there’s a children’s book about it—and these devices are now used in some therapy programs. If you retired your Ergo after babyhood, consider bringing it back out. If your child doesn’t like hugs, a weighted blanket can help them feel safe and secure.

Sleep

Sometimes we blame a child for their horrible attitude when they just need sleep! A midday nap or a Melatonin gummy to help bedtime go better might reveal a brand new kid when they wake up. Maybe your big kid or teen needs the encouragement to go lay in a hammock for awhile; see what happens! But the biggest thing you can do proactively, of course, is to see if your kids’ schedule is too busy and they’re just feeling overstimulated. Maybe simplifying your days will bring about an unexpected change in their daily attitude.

Serving Others

Do you know what can have the incredible ability to snap a person out of an emotional funk? Purpose! Sometimes instead of trying to make a kid think less selfish thoughts, you can simply lead them to the joy of thinking about others instead. Plot together to drop off some fall goodies at someone’s doorstep. Even just a 79-cent mini pumpkin with an encouraging message on it can make someone’s day! (Warning: writing on pumpkins is frustrating 😅)

Making a card for someone can help your kid forget that you didn’t let her eat that third marshmallow or that you said “no” to a video game that everyone else has. If you can’t trust that your kid will say something nice, you can entrust them to something wordless like shaving cream art or pulling weeds.

I hope this was encouraging! Of course we can’t expect anything we try to work because humans are complex, especially little humans who are figuring out their executive function skills. Making things work isn’t the goal; loving our kids is.

So I hope your kids know that they’re loved no matter what, but I also hope you see some little victories as they learn what they need to do to regulate their emotions. Maybe you’ll find some victory for your own emotions, too ❤️

Warmly,

Hope from Family Scripts