Resolutions or Rule of Life?

some vision-casting questions for 2023

Hello! I hope your Christmas was sweet, or at least that you just saw one tiny miracle that made a bad day better.

Though January 1st is certainly no magic portal into a better life, many people see the New Year as a chance for a fresh start…and optimism is magic.

However, the danger with making resolutions is that 1) we’re tempted to think that we will be worth more if we actually achieve them (yikes), and 2) only 9% of us actually meet our goals. Cue paralyzing dismay.

Maybe what we need more than arbitrary expectations of ourselves is to ask some really deep “why” questions.

A Chinese proverb says, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” Imagine the things that you spend your energy on being like trees.
What metaphorical seedlings do you hope to plant this year, and what existing plants can you tend to, that will be a blessing to you and others years and years from now?
And, yes! Maybe that includes planting and tending to actual trees.

A helpful tool I’ve found is coming up with “A Rule of Life,” something invented by a monk for his monastery two millennia ago but applicable to people of all faiths and occupations today. A rule of life means to live your life in a particular way, beginning with the end in mind.

In your different areas of life (family, relationships, etc.), what are you aiming for in three months, and three years?
How can you craft your life in a way that would help your family flourish?

Today and tomorrow I’m going to ask you some really tough questions to help you dream about what your family could be…even without a change in your circumstances.

Vision

Here are some questions for you to ponder and daydream about, preferably with your spouse. They’re pretty heavy; you might only want to discuss two or three at a time.

• When you were a child and you thought about raising kids someday, what did those daydreams look like? (If you didn't think about this when you were a kid, that's okay.)

• What do your daydreams about family life look like today?

• What's something that your own parents/caregivers did well when they were raising you?

• Do you know any families that you would want to imitate? What's so attractive about them? What are they doing differently than most other families you see?

• When your kids are in their twenties and having dinner with other people their age, how do you hope they would describe their childhood?

• What kind of relationship do you hope to have with your kids when they are old enough to have kids (and even grandkids) of their own? What can help you get to that place?

• What is a small change of circumstances that would have a very positive impact in helping you achieve your vision? What steps would need to happen to make that a reality? (If it's truly out of your reach, you are not alone. Even within this limitation, may you find greater and deeper comfort and even freedom.)

Keep this in mind:

Mission

Now let’s figure out some motivation. Again, these might take awhile.

• What motivates you (personally) when you wake up every day? What are you living for?

• Where does that sense of mission come from? Now that you're slowing down to think about it, are there any ways you might be misguided or on the wrong track?

• What would your kids say is most important to you?

• Do you know anyone who is a true role model, who has actually lived in circumstances similar to yours? Are you able to get mentorship or advice from them?

• Think about each of the kids in your care. What motivates each of them? Do they have any goals or dreams, not just for their grades or sports or careers, but for the trajectory of their whole life?

• What are some sources that can help you stay motivated in your mission, inspire you, guide you, and challenge you?

I would love to hear some of the things you come up with as you figure out what’s most important in your life and your year. Make the New Years’ resolutions if you want—maybe 1000 Hours Outside or a reading challenge!—but remember that your failures or successes don’t define how valuable you are.

See you tomorrow with some practical ideas for celebrating New Years!

Warmly,

Hope from Family Scripts

P.S. Here are printables of the questions above, if you want to write out your answers!

P.P.S. Tsh Oxenreider created a small e-course on the Rule of Life if you want to hear more about it. My daughter and I did the course together and it was worth $27 for us. It’s written for people of all beliefs, and I appreciate that Tsh included specific examples from her own rule of life. Some people even have “Rule of Life groups” where friends check in on each other and help them remember the kind of life they’re aiming for.