Some Strategies for Calming Down

lots of ideas to help emotional regulation ❤️

As we finish up our month focused on Peacefulness and Awe, I wanted to share some calming activities you can try with your kids when they’re feeling stressed out or have big feelings. And, to be honest, many of us have big feelings, too. Here are some practical strategies that might help kids and grownups alike.

Breathing, Tracing, Holding

To help your kids breathe deeply, you can hold out your hand and encourage your kids to smell the flowers (inhale) and blow out the birthday candles (exhale), one finger/flower/candle at a time. Maybe they’ll think it’s lame or they’ll be too freaked-out, but it’s worth a try.

I also love the idea to “count to calmness.” One way to do this is with the five senses:
count 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you can taste. In Count Yourself Calm, Eliza Huie takes a faith-based approach with the countdown; it’s a really sweet and beautiful picture book and includes an emotions wheel to help your kids name their feelings.

Another calming tool is finger labyrinths. Have you ever been able to walk a labyrinth in a garden? I suppose some people use it for some kind of enlightenment, but I just think it’s pleasant and fun 😅 You can make a sensory version at home by printing out a labyrinth on thick paper and applying hot glue over the lines.

Focus your thoughts or pray while following the path with your finger. The pattern is complex and unpredictable enough to take some of the attention off your feelings, and the sensory element feels nice.

And, of course, you can hold your kid. Think for a moment about what a powerful thing it is to be held. I love Temple Grandin’s famous observation that farmers help their cows calm down by putting them through squeezing contraptions. Ms. Grandin realized she craved this kind of pressure as well, and she invented a hug machine.

Sometimes people—especially people with sensory issues—just need to be held really tight. You can teach your kids to hug themselves, too, because—as much as I wish this wasn’t the case for anyone, ever—sometimes you find yourself crying alone.

If your kids don’t want to be held, then certainly don’t force it. But offer. A hug can be more powerful than words.

Be Proactive

Much of the battle for emotional regulation happens before the big meltdowns. Learning your kid (and yourself) and striving for health and wholeness is what’s going to help the most. The Youtube channel Therapy In A Nutshell is a great resource.

One helpful way to check in on the family is asking for “Rose, Thorn, Bud.” I like to ask each family member these questions at dinnertime:
Rose: What’s a sweet or wonderful thing that happened today?
Thorn: What was difficult or painful, and how can we support you?
Bud: What’s some potential you see or a new thing you learned?

Helping your kids name their emotions is huge, and being honest about when you struggle with your own can be really powerful for them, too. We’re all struggling alongside each other and it’s hard for everybody. Many kids don’t realize that ❤️

Also, as shared last week…overstimulation does more damage than we think. In Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne observed that kids who who had too many options/toys/activities were showing a lot of the same symptoms as kids who had been traumatized in war-torn countries…in both cases, adult life had breached their childhood too much. Maybe you’ll see a big difference in emotions with fewer toys or commitments, and more sleep and open-ended times when a kid can just be a kid. I need to work on this one 😬

Story and Song

Two things that almost always work that I often forget about in the heat of the moment are story and song. It works because good art is bigger than you; it calls you out of your own little funk to a thing of beauty that’s been a comfort to many others.

For example, if you invite your grumpy little one to read stories with you—or even if you just start reading in audible proximity to them—chances are high that they’ll be drawn in. (April’s picture book recommendation list is here, if you missed it.)

For older kids and yourself, merely remembering treasured stories—fiction and nonfiction—can bolster your mood because stories make you feel.

My husband has been reading The Chronicles of Narnia to our kids for the second time, and it’s incredible how frequently we tie in those stories to our real lives. “Remember how Aslan was actually helping and guiding the children all along? There’s a lot that we can’t see or understand, but that doesn’t mean that’s all there is.”

We talk a lot about how Corrie Ten Boom (The Hiding Place) was brave and content, so we can be too. It helps to remember how it felt when good did win in Avatar: The Last Airbender. There are lots more examples; remind me to tell you my tattoo idea about this later 😅
When our hearts won’t listen to abstract sentiments, remember the stories.

Music really helps, too! Playing calming music throughout the day can really set the vibe. But in the moment, it’s helpful to have a playlist ready. I love JJ Heller’s lullabies and cover songs. My pre-teen son really enjoys PEABOD’s music, and the song “Ok” is such a positive jam. My friend Jaron Utt has a lovely song called “Things Aren’t All Bad” that I listen to when I feel like everything is bad.

Art

Next month’s theme is Creativity so we’ll talk a lot more about this, but…it feels good to create. You don’t have to come up with original ideas; just start doodling and keep going with it. Repetitive doodling is super relaxing. My kids and I like to do this activity together, and it’s just so simple. You can’t really mess up.

If you use Sharpies, you can paint over your doodles, too. I love the sunrise my daughter made below ⬇️

You can even find ways to turn these into gifts or cards for others; one great tool for calming down is thinking about others. Humility is a mental health hack 😉

Last year we had a Zentangling contest, and Chloé’s entry was breathtaking.

Remember too that going outside is a biggie because awe is powerful. Consider asking each member of the family, “Hey, when you’re struggling, what could I do to help?” and also let them know what would help you! Write it down and keep it accessible. We’re in this together. I would love to hear what works for you.

Love you all. Have a great weekend.

Warmly,

Hope from Family Scripts