July 29 // When Did You Stop Playing? (how playfulness can help your relationships)

a guest post by Becca Tyree

Hello! In our final post on the theme of childlikeness and fun, Becca Tyree shares some rich thoughts on playfulness, and her counseling degree is evident in her premise: what if play can help you heal?
Lots of good points and creative ideas here! Enjoy! 😊

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When did you stop playing?

As we grow up, many of us feel weighed down by burdens and responsibilities. The older you get, the more bags you carry and the less likely you are to play. It’s easy to complain of an achy back without questioning why your load is so heavy… 

• The ever-climbing cost of living…10 pounds.

• The unique challenges of modern-day dating…another 10.

• A problem your child is having, or the fear of never having a child at all.

• Maybe you feel lonely, even if you’re married.

• Or, your heart is broken by the death, division, and despair you see on the news.

These burdens add up, and they make us feel so heavy. They give us back pain, metaphorically speaking: burnout, disconnect from family, impatience, apathy…the list goes on. I know people who feel this way from age 7 to 74. 

Those of us with type-A personalities might rarely give ourselves permission to do something “just because” we enjoy it. Instead, we might default to constantly pressuring ourselves to produce and perfect. But if you spend your whole life working, what have you worked for?

The very necessity of this discussion begs the question: when did you stop playing? Maybe it happened gradually and you didn’t notice, as more grown up things crowded out the capacity for play. Or maybe, something traumatic happened early in your life and you suddenly needed to grow up all at once. Whether your childlikeness diminished gradually or was stolen quickly, it is okay to mourn that loss. Now, you have the opportunity to (1) relive the good and/or (2) create a redemptive, new experience.

Letting go of your heavy load doesn’t mean that you quit your job, neglect to pay your bills, or move to Disneyland. Instead, it’s about carving out space for your inner child in a way that adds great value to your life through laughter, fun, and exploration. I would actually argue that this is enriching, not irresponsible. At any age, play is purposeful.

The Role of “Play” in Marriage, Parenting, and Friendships

Childlikness, laughter, and play add value to any life, but they produce additional benefits in marriage. For one thing, they cultivate friendship with your spouse, reminding you that you are more than partners or roommates. Friedrich Nietzsche observed, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

Having fun and laughing together can help you to restore the giddy friendship of early dating days, or even discover new ways to enjoy your spouse. 

Having fun together also reduces stress, softens and opens hearts, and helps you to forgive and reunify with your spouse. Creating new, fun memories will strengthen your marriage bond and make you more resilient as a couple. One of my favorite memories from my honeymoon was simply playing redneck golf in the half-finished course outside of our Airbnb! We reminisce about fun, unique moments like that more frequently than any fancy dinner. (For more on this, see this article on “Why Laughter is Good for Your Marriage” that even made reference to Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning from next month’s book club.)

Additionally, remembering or redeeming childhood memories with your spouse helps you to see them in a new light. Get to know your spouse’s inner child. Ask questions about what was happy and what was hard. This may give you a totally new perspective on their grown-up fears and insecurities, and your role in nurturing and loving your spouse.

Maybe you can relive a childhood memory to understand them more, like eating their favorite ice cream from childhood. My husband and I went to Bruster’s for “Cotton Candy Explosion;” I hadn’t been since I was a kid and it was special to share that with him! 

A Note to Parents

The friendship and fun you share with your spouse impacts your whole family as you model a healthy relationship that your kids will someday model. But playtime with your kids can be just as powerful! More than any new toy, your kids want your presence and involvement in their playtime. That will produce fruit for your child’s wellbeing for many, many years to come as they learn that they matter, they are likable, and you enjoy being with them. You can also teach them and learn about your children just by playing with them; there’s a whole field of psychology dedicated to “play therapy.” Simply put, play is your child’s language–learn to speak it again.

A Note for Singles

Don’t wait until you’re in a relationship to go on fun dates. Invite a friend or take yourself on a play date to relive a memory or fulfill a childlike longing! In college, some of my favorite memories were solo-trips I took, just for the morning or day! Please, don’t let your relationship status delay your happiness and healing.

Play Date Ideas

What did you LOVE as a kid (even little things like getting a hot dog at Lowe’s and looking at plants)? What is something kids get to do that you’d secretly like to try? 

Share your ideas in the comments below, and let’s inspire each other! (You can let us know if you try any of the ideas listed above, too!)