To the person who's addicted to their phones...📱

you're not the only one...but there's hope ❤️

Whew. You’re not alone, even if you’re a grown-up and feel like you should know better. Fellow struggler here 🙋‍♀️

If you find yourself reaching for the phone or the remote much more often than you like—and if your phone’s “Screen Time” stats scare you—here are some points of comfort (and a bit of practical help.)

Here in the Information Age, we’re all still figuring things out.

No generation has been through this before. If you’re a millennial or Gen Z, you’ve grown up with technology in a way that’s never occurred in all of history. If you’re a Gen X or Boomer, you might regret the screen time you’ve allowed your kids, but you were parenting in unfamiliar territory, too. All of us are figuring out the consequences of ubiquitous tech as we go. It’s a bit of an experiment. So show yourself some grace.

What’s behind the need to scroll or binge?

That said, no human struggle is really that new.¹ Self-control has been a struggle since the beginning of mankind! But, as with other instances where we have compulsive behavior, we have to look for the reason behind it.

When you find yourself grabbing your phone, ask yourself why? Are you avoiding any feelings? Are you terrified of being bored? Are you scared of thinking about your own mortality and having an existential crisis?

Whatever you’re feeling, I want you to give yourself compassion in the same way that we can show compassion to other people with addictions: maybe you’re trying to numb pain. Your feelings matter, and there are people who are willing to help you heal ❤️

It’s okay to sit in your feelings for a bit and be honest and sad.

I’ll speak for myself here. I’m heartbroken at how much my kids have seen the back of my phone instead of my own eyes. There have been times of my life where my phone use has taken up as much time as a part-time job, though I had nothing to show for it. There are so many things I wish I could’ve done with literal years of my life that have been spent on screens.

I’m also sad by how my screen use affects me. I’m more fearful because of all the bad news I’ve seen. I’m less gracious because I’ve subjected myself to so many posts that annoyed me and fed a feeling of “cringe.” I’m more insecure because I’ve felt like other people have seen my posts as “cringe.” Seeing all the highlights of other people’s lives has helped me make a composite image of the perfect life (that no one actually has), and that makes me feel discontent. All the ads are surely affecting me and intended to make me feel discontent and ungrateful, too.

I also don’t like that I feel the need to pick up my phone as often as I do. I don’t want anything to have mastery over me like that. Being honest about these things helps me figure out what I really want.

But I refuse to fall into a pit of despair about this. Now let’s get to the positive side of things.

Technology isn’t bad.

The definition of technology is “practical application of knowledge in a certain area.” Some examples throughout history? Fire. Ramps. Pulleys.

All of these things have been used to do bad things, but just because bad things sometimes happen because of fire doesn’t mean that we should quit fire.

Innovation is amazing, and most of it can be used to do great good. I can’t believe we live in a time where we can learn how to fix appliances on Youtube or find incredible recipes on Pinterest or listen to life-giving music on Spotify or connect with people all over the world on Instagram. We also get to carry incredible cameras in our pockets! (For that reason alone I don’t ever plan to give up my smartphone.)

We can do so much good with this very thing that we sometimes hate.

Maybe the “wasted” time isn’t a total waste.

Here’s another point of comfort if you’re beating yourself up about “wasting” so much time: redemption is a thing. Maybe you feel like garbage after bingeing a series, but you never know who you might be able to connect with someday over having both seen that show. Maybe you went down a Youtube rabbit hole and learned way too much about ancient Egypt, but it expanded your view of the world and humbled you a bit.

One time I was scrolling mindlessly on Facebook—and I remember feeling guilty about it—but just as I was about to close out, I saw that an acquaintance was renting out her house. We signed the lease and loved that house, and had incredible neighbors who taught me a lot about family life. (Also, that acquaintance is now a friend.) That “wasteful” screen time was redeemed in a big way.

But we don’t want to start a doomscrolling session because amazing things could happen 😉 So some practical tips:

Keep your phone out of your room.

This is a rule you’ll see on lots of lists, and reader Sara shared that never bringing her phone to her room really works for her. Use an old-school alarm clock next to your bed. Charge your phone outside your room. Keep some light reading in the bathroom, if you need a distraction during potty time 😜

In our house, we have a family computer in the dining room (which is where we also do school) and we keep all the kids’ screens in a little storage bag on the computer desk. That’s where I charge my phone, too. Screens are intended to be a special treat. They get to use their devices on Sundays and on long drives, or with special permission at the end of the day.

Lately I’ve gotten too lax with screen use, especially with my 2-year-old, and I feel like the kids and I have all been a bit restless and inattentive as a result. I’ve taken a moment to be sad about that, and we’re going back to more readalouds and time outside. Seasons exist—and screens are a tremendous gift when you or your kids are sick—but sometimes you just need to pivot back to rhythms and guidelines that help your family do what’s most important to you.

Use an app like Flora to reward yourself for times of focused activity.

I’ve tried so many apps to gamify productivity or block me out of screen use but so far, Flora has yielded the most results for me, and eventually I stopped needing to use it because I actually felt like I stopped using my phone compulsively.

The premise is that you plant a seed of focused time—maybe 5 minutes or up to 3 hours—and you’re not allowed to use your phone during that time. When it’s over, you get a little digital plant in your garden to symbolize the life-giving time you spent focusing.

The app is free, but a premium membership allows you to plant actual trees once you reach a certain number of focused hours. Even though it’s cheaper to just donate directly to an organization that plants trees, I paid for a membership for a couple months because I needed that extra motivation.

The first week I used the app, I had 34 hours in focused sessions! Did that mean that I would’ve spent 34 hours on my phone instead? No, but that simple choice to choose a seed and start a focus session helps prevent me take a break from scrolling and feel freed up to do something that matters to me more. I love the symbolism.

Take Regular Breaks

In The Tech-Wise Family, Andy Crouch says his family has committed to turning off their phones for one hour each day, one day each week, and one week each year. Reader Chloé shared that she takes a break from social media every quarter; that’s a great idea.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you find some benefit from occasionally resetting and remembering who you are and what you love without the things that sometimes get in your way.

What do you want more than screens?

As we shared last week from Digital Minimalism, the goal isn’t less screen time for the sake of less screen time, but a higher quality of life.

I want my kids and I to enjoy time outside, in good books, honing skills, laughing, talking, eating good food, connecting with people, serving others, and exploring. I don’t want screens to steal any of that from us.

But part of a “high-quality life” also includes seeing excellent movies, Facetiming with relatives, watching our favorite YouTubers together (like Ryan Trahan or Little Women Atelier), planning things we want to do on Pinterest, using Google Maps to find cool places to visit, and yes, also giggling over memes and funny videos.

Keep a Note to Self Somewhere

I keep a note for myself titled “When You Wasted a Ton of Time On Your Phone” because I can really tend to be unkind to myself and feel paralyzed by my own failures. The note reminds me of some of the things I’ve shared here, and since I’m a Christian, it also includes encouragement from the Bible. When I’m feeling really down on myself about wasted time—or how judgmental I find myself becoming—I need to know that God sees me and loves me tenderly and unconditionally.

It feels like I should be too mature to struggle with phone addiction, but “should” is a very unhelpful word. Idealism is the enemy of progress.

Let’s all be honest, make some changes, show ourselves grace, and repeat. You can feel empowered by how you spend your time. I’m rooting for you! 🙌🏼

Warmly,

Hope from Family Scripts

1. See the words of an Israelite king over 2000 years ago: “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1:9)