When You Need A Win 🥵

a way to be kind to yourself and your loved ones

I have a couple preteens, so I’m witnessing the very sad time when a child’s natural confidence fade into insecurity and fear. Maybe they burnt pancakes so they feel like they’re bad at cooking. Maybe they didn’t get any ribbons in an art show so they feel like they’re terrible artists. Maybe they didn’t make the cheerleading team so they feel like they’re not athletic or pretty enough to be cool. (That one is from my own bitter fifth-grade experience 🫣)

These insecurities are just the beginning, as you know. As we get older, we get rejected by crushes and feel unloved by spouses. We don’t get jobs we apply for or book deals we’ve spent years working on. We put our all into a small business and watch it go up in flames. We get autoimmune diseases, cancer, broken bones. We experience loss and unfulfilled dreams.

Sometimes we just need a win at something. A tiny victory for a tender heart can give a disproportionately powerful boost.

A wonderful way to love discouraged people we know (and be aware of our own needs) is to think about what would feel like a win for them.

Here are some examples I’ve observed from my loved ones in the past few weeks:

• My husband felt a bit helpless about things he couldn’t control with his business and the economy, so he cleaned out the basement. That sounds so boring, but in the process he found things he was looking for and relieved so much stress and thoughts of “someday I should…” for both of us. He made a dramatic difference at something. That was a win.

• One of my sons felt like he was slipping behind his younger sister’s abilities, so I helped him make biscuits. They were simple and classic: white flour and plenty of butter. We also made a tasty black-eyed pea stew for the main dish. It was a huge win for him. (It was also a small win for me, because remembering to soak dry beans the night before cooking a bean stew makes me feel like I have my act together 🤪)

• One of my daughters felt frustrated about her hair, so we made it a priority to rinse it with vinegar sometimes (a natural conditioner) and braid her hair at bedtime more often. Maintenance is easier than painful and prolonged detangling sessions (or unwanted haircuts) and her soft locks have felt like such a win for her.

Historically I’ve always killed any plant I’ve tried to care for, which made me feel less-than as a human for being so irresponsible and incapable. Last month, I bought some indoor plants and outdoor herbs and—here’s the clincher—an $8 watering can with a convenient narrow spout. I had never bought a watering can before, and it’s a shock that I’m actually keeping all my plants alive right now. I deeply enjoy watering them. I wasn’t a total failure; I was just ill-equipped.

That doesn’t mean we need to buy every gadget known to man for things we struggle with, but it does mean that a watering can helped me enjoy multiple recurring wins. Helping something or someone thrive is the kind of win that keeps on winning.

In her book How to Keep House While Drowning, KC Davis described household care tasks as “a kindness to future me.”

In a podcast for The Art of Manliness, behavioral analyst Chase Hughes referred to small proactive choices as “becoming your own butler.” Isn’t that an interesting way of seeing it?

This isn’t about new resolve, big plans, or prolonged efforts, but considering what can help you gain a little confidence right now. Some other small things that might be huge wins for you and yours:

• Organizing a closet

• Making a well-curated morning playlist for while everyone gets ready

• Getting accountability from friends who want to help you ditch a bad habit

• Apologizing to someone you’ve wronged

• Reading a treasured picture book out loud

• Waking up early for the sunrise (even just once)

• Writing and hand-delivering an encouraging note

These are all tiny little acts of self-discipline that pack a huge punch.

Or maybe what you need isn’t self-discipline but fun.

The other day my husband and I thought about some stressful things in our own lives that have spilled over to the kids and we both agreed: “Our family needs a win.” Then a couple hours before our local art museum closed, the seven of us strode in and explored. For our adventure-loving family, a good downtown outing is a big win. It reawakened our sense of exploration and our appreciation of each other. Plus it put beautiful things in front of ours eyes that drew us away from ourselves. (And we had a reciprocal pass, so it was free.)

Reminder, of course, that life isn’t about winning. Your worth has no correlation with what you do. You know this.

And some things are just hard. If you’re overworked, sick, undersupported in your care of a baby, navigating an abusive relationship, suffering loss, etc. a watering can isn’t going to fix anything.

But maybe there’s something that can help a little. A small thing that can offer you a glimmer of beauty amidst a lot of ugliness. Ideally, someone else would think of these things for you and see how they can help you win.

I hope you can find some revived childlike confidence in your own life and in the lives of your loved ones this week. I’d love to hear about it. Choosing to love is a big old win.

I hope that encourages you and I’ll see you next week.

Warmly,

Hope from Family Scripts