A Letter to the Failing
dissecting unwritten expectations + figuring out what's most important
To the person who feels like they are simply not doing enough,
Ouch. Feeling like a failure and being tired from trying so hard is a formula for despair. You might be thinking, “If I’m not good enough but I’m doing my best…there’s no hope for me.” Maybe your mind even goes to dark places and you feel like everyone is better off without you. That is a lie. You aren’t alone in those feelings, but they’re untrue. Literally untrue. Fight what’s false.
I’m not going to tell you that you are doing enough or that you don’t need to make some changes. It’s possible that the disappointment you feel is because you are indeed failing at the things you’ve been trying. It’s okay—and healing—to be honest about that.
But here’s the question: are you failing at things that are actually important? Maybe you can unpack what exactly is making you feel this way. Who has set the expectations that you’re not meeting? Is it your spouse, your parents, your employer, your professors, the government, a general sense of “everybody”? Maybe you feel like your religion (or God1) wants more out of you? Or maybe you just feel like you’re letting down yourself.
What authority does the person have that you seem to be disappointing? Are their expectations good? Is it all even possible?
Give Up on Unimportant Expectations
I love how Kendra Adachi says it: “Be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't…to you.”
Just because your friend’s house is gorgeously decorated doesn’t mean yours needs to be. That’s wonderful that Kyle can run marathons, but it’s okay if you can’t. Ashley has a side hustle that seems to be doing well, but do you actually need a side hustle? Hannah’s kids go to soccer, but why should yours have to? Maybe you even think that you’re supposed to do all the things we mention in this newsletter? No way!
Dissect all the unwritten expectations of yourself and ask if they really matter. Many of them—especially those general feelings of not-enoughness—can probably be put to rest.
In other words, give up on unimportant expectations, not on yourself.
If one of your values is that you want to feel strong, what priorities can you rearrange so you can eat a bit healthier and move your body more? If your kids have become very familiar with the logo on the back of your phone, maybe you should evaluate whether your texting and social media involvement matters to you as much as how you value quality time with your kids. (I’m guilty of that!)
Imagine Flourishing
Tsh Oxenrider made an e-course and wrote an article on creating a Rule of Life and I love how she sums up the purpose of it by using botanical imagery: “I recognize the needed ingredients in my soil to best help me flourish, and how to cultivate a garden of life so that each member of my family flourishes, too.”
When you have a chance, ask yourself and your spouse: what would flourishing look like for you and your family in three years? Then ask: what do I need to do to make that happen? If you start with a vision, that helps shape your priorities right now. I’d love to hear some of the things you come up with. I hope it’s freeing to find that some things don’t make the list and that’s okay.
But you know what else? It’s not as simple as making priorities. Sometimes you’re in a season of overwhelm and you just need help. More on that in this Friday’s email…there’s definitely a lot to lament about the lack of support that families—and moms especially—get in a society with isolated nuclear families.
In the meantime, though…sending hugs ❤️ Most people feel like they’re failing at what they’re trying to do. But that’s what’s so admirable about what you’re feeling: failing means you tried.
You can be proud of yourself for signing up for a challenge when you could have played it more safely than this. You want to make a difference, and you are. Think about the most inspiring biography you’ve read…that person, in the thick of his or her struggles, probably had no clue that they would ever be the type of person that would make an impact big enough to have a book written about them! You never know what’s coming up in your story, either 😉
I hope this was encouraging! Feel free to send to a friend or share on your feed!
Warmly,
Hope from Family Scripts
P.S. Here are some other encouraging letters we’ve shared so far: A Letter to the Burnt Out, To The Underappreciated Dads, To The Parent Who Is Tired of Summer Already, and To the Underappreciated Mothers.
P.P.S. You can save these lock screen graphics to your phone if you’d like!
This is a newsletter for people of all beliefs, but I’m personally a Christian and it’s difficult for me to talk about these things without talking about Jesus. If your feelings of failure are related to how you think God feels about you, you can reply to this email or reach out at family.scripts.info@gmail.com and I’ll happily listen. I also recommend that you read Romans 8 and watch BibleProject videos such as “Slow to Anger.”