Parenting in the Non-Ideal

what I've learned from parenting through divorce

Hello, dear readers!
I haven’t written on here in over a year and pretty much fell off the face of the earth because, since October of last year, I have been going through the world-shattering experience of divorce.

There’s so much to say about this personally (and I’ve written some here and here about it) but today I wanted to write a post to encourage all of you, no matter what you’re walking through, with some things I’ve learned about parenting in the non-ideal.

Here’s something I’ve observed about parenting in the 21st century: those of us who have signed up for this life path want it to go really well.
We want our kids to have perfect health and access to every opportunity.
We want to design a life for them that sets them up for optimal thriving for the rest of their lives.

Some would call this dynamic a kindergarchy¹; many of us end up revolving our worlds around our children as if their health and prosperity is the highest goal our society could achieve.

Even as someone who has tried to take a laidback, instinctual approach to parenting—and as an annoying overthinker who uses words like “kindergarchy”—I’ve certainly put my children as my very highest priority for the past twelve years, and I don’t regret it.

I treated my pregnancies and births like I was training for a marathon; you wouldn’t catch me eating a hot dog with nitrates or cleaning with chemicals when I had a developing baby in there. I breastfed my babies like their future test scores and allergic reactions counted on it. I guarded screen time as if my kids’ attention was the Crown Jewels. As a stay-at-home mom of twelve years, I spent virtually every hour of my day—and many hours of my nights—focusing on these precious humans who have their whole lives ahead of them.

And yet, last year I reached a point where the only real option for everyone’s well-being was to sign some papers that would rip their sense of home and belonging to pieces.

I immediately read books about how to help them through this. (My poor librarians surely knew all my business based on the books I checked out last fall.) I’ve asked for advice from every child of divorce that I’ve met. I’ve chosen to keep the same last name as my kids. I’ve tried to make this as minimally traumatic as possible, and yet…here we are. My kids are in a very, very non-ideal circumstance.

Maybe you find yourself in the throes of the non-ideal, too. Maybe someone in your family has cancer or another chronic illness, maybe you and your spouse are overloaded with work and financial stress, maybe you’ve experienced great loss that you just know is shaping every person in your family. Maybe you cry into your pillow at night and toss and turn with thoughts of “This was not part of the plan” or “How on earth are we going to make it out of this?” I sit in this pain with you and I want you to know that you are not alone.

I have learned a few things this past year that I hope will help you.

Being a human isn’t a race. For your kids and yourself, err on the side of slowness.

A mom of six who has been through a separation advised me regarding homeschooling: “Do a lot of review this year. They’re going enough hard things, so make school easy. They’ll catch up later.” That advice was golden.

Kids going through a really confusing time don’t need one more thing that feels impossible.

I’ve found that taking more time for rest has been really important, too. On days when they don’t have to get up early, why not let them sleep in? I’ll have these kids for lots more years; we don’t have to use this particular one to optimize routines.

There will be other seasons when we can focus on efficiency.

Keep things as simple as possible.

When every person in your family is processing a huge shift in their identity, it’s hard to think about anything else. I have not been doing anything remotely close to the breadth of crafts, activities, and recipes that I have posted about on here. We’ve done some paint-by-numbers, I’ve figured out a few meals we crave that I make over and over, and we go on walks a lot.

Other than weekly church and our homeschool co-op, we don’t have much on the schedule, and that’s been a really great thing. If we feel like spontaneously going to the library or visiting friends or if I get a notification that Sonic slushes are only 79 cents again, we can get up and go because we don’t have anything else going on.

Fight hard for gratitude.

This one hurts to write because I haven’t been doing it well as it pertains to my kids’ behavior. I don’t want to have to deal with their complicated feelings when I have complicated feelings of my own.

Sometimes it feels like the older kids and I are all just mean and jaded now, and that the younger ones have made backwards progress in their maturity, and I can think of a million things to complain about and I never know if I should blame the divorce or their age or my parenting or their personality...but none of those kinds of thoughts tend to be helpful.

What are the gifts we’re encountering? What are the ways I’m seeing growth in each of us? What are the things I love about my kids whether they’re growing or not? We are not robots and—divorce or not—our healing and development are not going to be linear.

I wish I could uproot all the little seedlings I’ve planted and see what’s going on under the dirt, but that’s not my job.
As parents, our job is to water, water, water.

Find things to focus on that give you agency and awe.

When everyone in the family feels like their lives are out of control, it’s so helpful to find things that call you out of those thought-spirals by looking at 1) inspiring things outside of your situation that are going right, and 2) zeroing in on the things that you can control.

Go on walks and use your five senses to appreciate the beautiful things around you. Give your kids age-appropriate freedoms when grocery shopping or doing other errands. Help your kids see that there’s so much freedom in choosing how we respond to things.

In August and September, I made a commitment to bike to the Walnut Street Bridge and watch the sunrise over the Tennessee River almost every morning. Starting my day with awe and endorphins (and making measurable micro-achievements) was so helpful for my mental health.

Community is vital.

I really hoped I would find love quickly to help me get through this hard time, and I certainly did, but it’s not been remotely what I expected. I’ve been single for a year now, but my life is filled to the brim with love because I’ve learned to really appreciate friendship.

Friends have had us over for dinner and helped me build bunkbeds and taught my kid to ride a bike and held me tight and biked with me for late-nite cheesecake…so many gaps in our lives have been filled by friends. My church has been so strong for me and advocated for me when I didn’t know how to advocate for myself, and I wish that kind of love and support upon every person in a tough spot. 

The cool thing about friendship—which I’ve talked about here and here—is that it’s enough as it is. A dating relationship is intended to end in either a breakup or long-term commitment, but in a friendship the only goal is to enjoy each other right now, in this moment, for however long this stage of life together lasts.

I’ve had two best friends come into my life unexpectedly this year—a fellow homeschool mom and a gay neighbor—and I wouldn’t trade those relationships for anything. I want my kids to see (and remember) the power of friendship.

Whether you’re in a thriving marriage or a hard one, or if you’re happily or painfully single, I hope you find sweet friendships and deep community. We really can’t do this being-a-human stuff on our own. 

Remember that seasons exist.

Last year’s holidays and fall/winter birthdays were traumatic because there was so much upheaval, but for this coming year, I have every reason to think that they’ll be steady and sweet. There are times full of necessary death and so much grief, and there are times full of hope and progress.

And a lot of times the seasons get all mixed up—just like with the physical seasons, on those days when you have to wear shorts in November or a warm coat in May.

If you and your kids are finding times of deep sorrow and bleakness, remember that it won’t last.
If you’re finding some reprieve and lightheartedness, lean into it, because that probably won’t last forever either.

And, finally, practically speaking:

Music really helps.

In particularly non-ideal times, it’s crazy how our hearts are so receptive. I’ve had healthy cry sessions during so many songs, whether it was Destiny Child’s “Survivor” or Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.” And Sleeping At Last’s “Mother” is incredible. My playlists have helped steady me personally, which helps me show up better for my kids.
In the background as the kids and I play, do schoolwork, or make dinner, it’s been so helpful to play some gentle jazz (specifically, “Studio Ghibli Jazz.”)
Playing JJ Heller lullaby covers when I put the kids to bed helps give our family a sense of peace.
Friday dance parties have been a big highlight too; we’ve been making videos of ourselves dancing to virtually any genre of music, and it’s so silly and carefree and cathartic.

Music is like a thermostat and totally transforms the atmosphere; don’t underestimate how it might pull each member of your family out of an emotional funk.

Closing Thoughts

I hope this was helpful to you, in whatever you’re going through. I hope that you’re able to notice and celebrate your own resilience and stubborn joy. I hope friends have been showing up for you.

On a personal level, my kids and I really are doing quite well. There are a ton of question marks about the future, but that’s okay. I’ve decided to pursue an English degree and a career in journalism, but who knows what that journey will look like. I’m not sure how often I’ll write on here, but since September I have committed to sharing reflective travel essays each Monday on my Hope Henchey substack, if you’re interested in reading along. (Most posts are behind a paywall, but this coming Monday’s—the story of a special moment when I cried grateful tears with a scorpion researcher in his 70’s—will be free for everyone.)

I love you all. Thanks for always cheering me on. I’m cheering you on, too. ❤️

Warmly,

Hope Henchey

Feel free to share this with someone you know who is parenting in the non-ideal!

1. I’m not sure where the term comes from, but Kevin DeYoung wrote a chapter about A Cruel Kindergarchy in his book Crazy Busy, and I love this insight: “It’s harder to ruin our kids than we think, and harder to stamp them for success than we’d like.”