To the Person Who Feels Unsupported

where's that village we're supposed to have?

To the person who feels like she should be getting a lot more help,

Um, yes. You should. Historically—and still today in many cultures—parents usually had more help than this. Multiple generations lived together.

The phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” can be frustrating because most people in modern society don’t have a village to help them raise their children. Where’s my village!?

It’s unnatural and, for the most part, historically unprecedented, for people—especially moms—to bear our burdens alone like we do.

Yes, we are so blessed to have conveniences like dishwashers and audiobooks that make life easier. But Moms typically had other people to hold their babies for them while they made dinner, and older kids were around to play with toddlers. Women are supposed to have other women within walking distance to hug them when they’re sad or give them a hand when they’re overwhelmed.

But—even if we live in a suburban neighborhood—that’s just not the dynamic today. The nuclear family “ideal”¹—not to mention the invention of cars—has come at a cost, hasn’t it?

It helps to acknowledge all these things so we can show ourselves grace and continue to long for better community—and more help—than we do have. Being helpless and alone is weird, and it should be.

We’re Not Supposed To Be Alone

In Monday’s email, we talked about how one solution to feeling like a failure is to figure out if you’re failing at things that actually matter. But it’s not that easy; sometimes you’re just in a season of overwhelming responsibilities that are all important and you really can’t skip them. This is particularly true of the newborn stage, entrepreneurship, parenting kids with special needs, and more.

This might be a very long season. I wish I could hug you right now, and I’m almost sure there are people in your life who—if you reached out—would hold you so tight and affirm you in all the ways you’re winning.

If you don’t have that, maybe that should become your first priority: find a community who will love you for who you are, failing or not, and who will help you be the person you want to be. Through all the isolation we’ve experienced in the past few years, you might not fully realize the toll it’s taken on you.

You might’ve been hurt before—especially by the church—but what if it’s worth it to keep trying? Making yourself vulnerable to love is a risky investment, but what if it changes everything?

The Island Experiment

When we lived in an RV for over a year and then moved to a new state, I went for a long time without having community. There were many moments when I felt very down and realized, “I’m not using my gifts, no one is really encouraging me, and I don’t know who I would call if I needed a hug.” It was a bit of an identity crisis.

A huge component of my life was missing, and I had been wondering if it actually mattered that I didn’t have community for awhile…it did. I experimented with becoming an island and learned that I can’t be.

When we finally found a church and made some really great friends, that made a bigger difference than I could’ve realized. We’re not supposed to be alone. Ideally I’d have more trusted people in arm’s reach, but at least now I have people to call. I feel supported, and I am able to be a support for others.

It’s not fair to our spouse and kids when we expect them to be everything that friends are supposed to be. My husband is my best friend and teammate, but it’s bad for our marriage when he is the only person I share my heart with. He simply can’t comfort me, give me advice, or laugh with me like my closest female friends can. (He doesn’t want to be that for me, either!)

And it’s such a delight to be able to offer comfort and counsel to my friends, too. And laughter? Giggling like six-year-olds with a friend who truly understands your life…money can’t buy that experience.

I hope this encourages you. Take time to acknowledge that it’s weird to do all the things we do alone, and show yourself grace. Then consider finding community so you and others can have the joy of bearing each other’s burdens. ♥️

Warmly,

Hope from Family Scripts

P.S. ⬇️

A Note on Being Financially Unsupported

This is for the women who have been put into a situation where you do not feel well provided for. Sometimes life just doesn’t pan out like you thought it would at this point, right? The burn is extra real if you’ve been spending your time focusing on your kids instead of your career, and now you have to step into a role of providing that you were not planning on. As if it’s not hard enough trying to parent alone, having to be the source of all the money, too?

I want to invite you to receive help when others offer it. People are really supposed to care for the widows in their society—especially so in Christian churches—and that includes women whose husbands have abandoned them so they have now found their lives to be functionally like widowhood, too. It should give people joy to help you, and there are ways that you, even in your heartbreaking situation, can be a gift to them, too. If you’re been shattered by betrayal, check out Restored Home, which is a safe space online and great resource of encouragement created by my friend Rachel. You are not alone ❤️

1. See Jefferson Bethke’s book Take Back Your Family for more on this.